grief and joy can co-exist.

These past few months have felt like holding grief in one hand and joy in the other.

Since moving home, I have experienced a shift in my identity and role, changes in my family structure, lack of direction, sadness from leaving friendships behind, frustration in systems and barriers that hold me back. I am working less and at times it feels like I am failing. In Vancouver, everything was figured out (or figure out-able), and here, nothing is figured out.

Yet, if nothing is figured out, it leaves room for opportunities, for yes, for joy that you do not expect.

New community, new connections, new friendships, new ways to view my life and my purpose. In the past few months, I have had so many incredibly thoughtful and deep conversations. I have hugged and held hands and cried with others. I have laughed with kindred souls that I didn’t know existed before now. I have said “yes”. Yes, I will pick that up at the store for you, yes, I will hold your baby, yes, I want to come to your event, yes I will try and try and try to find joy and hope and purpose back in my hometown alongside the people who raised me and watched me grow to become the person I am today.

view of the grand river in cayuga, ontario

a hawk's feather that i was gifted from a new friend

Grief and joy sit alongside each other at every turn.

In my work, my truest goal is to help people live their intentional, values-aligned, authentic lives. What makes this hard is that we need to come to an understanding that the emotions that we hide from are also an integral part of our beings. We allow grief to course through us because it is a reminder of our capacity to love.

I love my job and clients and the work I get to do, but it is only one part of my life. I love Vancouver, I love my hometown, my family, my friends, the trees and mountains and rivers. I love my cat and my stardew valley farm, my nana’s real farm, the local dairy bar, the library, disc golf, sour gummy worms and the feeling of sunshine on my face.

How could I ever think I am failing or not enough when I get to experience love like this?

I want to share this as a reminder to you when you begin to feel that you are not enough. We are here to feel, to love and to grieve. You cannot fail in your life if your life task is simply to live.