on showing up
Recently, I’ve been finding it hard to show up in this online space. I’ve been wanting to spend less time on my computer and more time outside. I’ve been resting and recharging after a few weeks of throwing myself into work.
Yet, I’ve felt the yearning to write. My head is filled with ideas and I compose small essays in my mind about all of the things I am interested in: creativity, personal growth, nature, the therapeutic process.
I wonder if showing up has felt hard lately because I am not doing it as well as I would like. I wanted to send out a newsletter every Monday and I haven’t. There is a big part of me who would like for me to always show up perfectly, to do my best, and never show any signs of diminished capacity or need for space.
So when I didn’t write a newsletter on Monday two weeks ago, I had NEWSLETTER on my to-do list every day that week, filling me with anxiety and dread. Then, when I still hadn’t written anything, I thought I could start over the next week. I knew it needed to be good and profound to justify my time away. Then, that week passed as well.
Now here I am writing this, a full three weeks since I last sat down to share my thoughts. Once I got out of my rhythm, starting to write again felt so hard! I decided that the best way for me to show up in this space is to just show up.
Showing up for myself means observing the voice in my head that is telling me that my writing is not good enough, thanking it for its input and its efforts to protect me from potential embarrassment, and then writing anyway. It looks like recognizing that I will not always be the best at everything I do, and doing it anyway. It looks like showing up scared, because fear can communicate when something is important. It looks like making standing appointments with myself to check in, see how I’m doing and write whatever is on my mind.
For me, the action of showing up is always a loving action. It stops the cycle of perfectionism and allows who I am right now to be enough. If I believed the voice in my head telling me that I needed to come back into this space with a perfect post full of wisdom, I may not have been able to ever come back. So, messy and imperfect it is.
How can you show up for yourself this week? Maybe showing up looks like booking the health appointment you’ve been putting off. Or buckling down and finishing your taxes (ahem, this is what I’ll be doing). Showing up can be as small as checking in with your body and offering yourself some nourishment, or as big as signing up for a course or a retreat on a topic that you’re interested in (psst .. I have a retreat coming up).
Whatever it looks like for you, know that just showing up is enough. You do not need to show up perfectly, and sometimes “doing your best” looks like knowing when to rest and let go.